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Ashley

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And so do I sin. [01 Sep 2007|11:42am]
[ mood | blank ]

School started the other day. What is there to say about a place where people generally don't like you, and the ones who do you never see? Why is it that I'm expected to do certain things, and I'm held guilty when I do something else? This school is nothing but hipocrites, constantly judging every move I make as if each word I speak and each breath I breathe will, someday, destroy the world.

But being the villian is a lonely job. I don't know...I'm not like I used to be, and I'm still not all too sure. I'm...confused. I always am. This is my final year as being just a kid. The finality...I don't know. But, I never do.

Mom still hasn't found a job. I hate how she always goes to her "friends" for money, and for cigarettes. I bought her some today. I shouldn't have. That's MY money, and I could have used it for things for ME. Before you start to judge me, think of this : My mother calls her friends, begging for money. She calls Larry and tells him she needs cigarettes. She tells Pete she can't pay the bills, or for the car, or for our 21-fucking-dollar rent. If she ever gets all that money from unemployment they've owed her since February...and the social security...they'll raise our rent. It's about 800 or something like that NORMAL price to live in the projects. God. Damn. It. All. I hate it here. I want to go back to Trenton...

I'm hungry. I think I'm going to get in the pool with my mom.

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The longer and more difficult the climb, the more beautiful the veiw. [30 Jul 2007|12:26pm]
[ mood | hungry ]

Just so people know:

NO, I do NOT feel better about...yeah. And YES, I do feel bad about it. If you're suprised, you're a dumbass. Sorry and all.

Moving on.

Shannon has decided she's not going to be my...friend?...any more. That's fine with me. She just used me for money, which I no longer have, and my camera, which is better than...her. I guess. Something like that. So I just hang out with Batman and Luka now. Even though I don't think Batman likes me very much...but he's still been nice to me. That's all that matters.

Life still sucks. Mom still doesn't have a job, and it's been six months. We just moved out of my grandma's house this weekend, into a shitty apartment in Middletown for welfare people. No AC, tiled floors all throughout. I hate it. There were dead roaches on the kitchen floor. Ew.

And I might be getting internet soon. That would be pretty great...that and...I dunno. But I'm kinda hungry, and the box on the computer says I have 19 minutes left.

So. I have the few people who may or may not care updated.

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Silently screaming for you to come save me... [10 May 2007|09:32pm]
[ mood | indescribable ]

And there is a boy. There is always a boy, or else it would make a good story. And my stories are usually good, as egotistical as it may sound. But there is a boy. At first, I thought he hated me. He was cute. But he just didn't seem to be right for me. Then I got to know him over the course of a year. He's amazing. But why can't he be mine? Because. I'm shy, I'm weird, and I'm constantly invisible.

Grrr.

That, and I'm picky. I've been turning down so many guys lately, and I don't know why. I think it's because of him. You know...he who shall remain nameless (as always).

My birthday was pretty cool. I got to talk to him a lot during school, and I love that. I got a CD from Andrew. I'm really cold and kinda unhappy, but shit happens. I'm had a bad year -- isn't that normal? But we're losing the car probably this weekend, and I'm going to prom for some strange reason. I lost another friend (big suprise -- the world hates me).


So kill me. I have no one to really talk to anymore. I don't tell anyone anything. Not even my mother. It's getting harder and harder to talk to her now, because she's too full of her own problems to listen to mine. I miss having someone to talk to I could trust. But, all I have is this. And I don't know why I do. Sometimes I think it's because I want to keep people informed about me, when they don't want me to know anything. Maybe it really is to get thigns off my chest, but it doesn't quite work. It's not the same as spoken word.

Geeeaaah...my chest hurts.

I should go to sleep, but I don't want ot.

I was listening to my Evanescence CD last night. Everybody's Fool came on, and I was debating with myself over whether or not I should start to feel that way about...everything. I don't know. Maybe I should write my own song about some girl who fucks everything up and ends up with nothing.

Now I'm making myself upset. Way to go me.

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Hanging on the edge of destruction... [20 Apr 2007|09:32pm]
[ mood | bored ]

WOULD YOU RATHER:
1) pierce your nose or tongue?: I don't want peircings. But, if I had to choose, I'd have to go with...my wrists.
2) be serious or be funny?: Funny. There isn't a serious bone in my body.
3) drink whole or skim milk?: Whole, thanks. It tastes better :-D

ARE YOU:
4) simple or complicated?: Simply complicated.

DO YOU PREFER:
5) flowers or angels? Angels eating flowers...hehe.
6) grey or gray: Gray, jerks.
7) color or black-and-white photos?: It depends on the photo, really. You can't have a black-and-white sunset, now, can you?
8) lust or love?: Love, but lust does have it's perks... :-P
9) sunrise or sunset?: Don't make me choose. They're both so beautiful.
10) M&Ms or Skittles?: M&Ms. They're the shizzy.
11) rap or rock?: Rock.
12) staying up late or waking up early?: Staying up late...and waking up early the next day :-D
13) TV or radio?: CD player?
14) eating apples or oranges?: Orangies. More juicy.
15) Do you have a crush?: Pheh.

DO YOU PREFER:
17) being hot or cold?: Hot.
18) tall or short girls/guys?: TALL.
19) sun or moon?: Moon. It just has that unique beauty you can never take away.
20) emeralds or rubies?: Emeralds. They are, after all, my birth stone. But what the hell does that have to do with it? Absolutely nothing.
21) left or right?: Left.
22) having 10 acquaintances or 1 best friend?: ...Pheh. I have nothing.
23) sun or rain?: SUN. I don't like rain too often.
24) vanilla ice cream or chocolate ice cream?: Chocolate...with marshmellows :-P
25) What is your biggest fear in the world?: Already lived through it.
26) Kids or no kids?: No kids.
27) Cat or dog?: Dog. Big dog.
28) Half empty or half full?: There is no 'half' with my glass. The damn thing went empty and I threw it against the wall. I still haven't cleaned up the big mess yet, either.
29) Mustard or ketchup?: Spicy mustard :-D
30) Hard cover books or soft cover books?: Soft cover. They fit into my purse more easily.
31) newspaper or magazine?: Magazine.
32) Sandals or sneakers?: Bare feet.
33) Wonder or amazement?: Wonder.
34) Red car or white car?: ...Bright blue car...
35) Happy and poor or sad and rich?: Sad and rich. Only because then I could actually have money to live.
36) Singing or happy?: ...Singing happy?
39) Blondes, brunettes, or red heads?: DARK.
40) Hugging or kissing: Both are nice.

ABOUT YOU:
What time is it?: 9:40 pm, thanks.
Nicknames: Ash-Ash, Pengy, Bullshit.
Birthdate and place: May 10.
Pets? Turkey the cat.
Eye color?: Hazel.
Hair color?: Black.

WHAT DO YOU WANT:
Do you want to get married?: Sure?

WHICH IS BETTER:
2 doors or 4 (on a car)?: 4
Shampoo or conditioner?: Does it matter?
Bridges or tunnels?: Tunnels.
One pillow or two?: Sixty-five thousand.

FAVORITES:
Salad dressing?: Catalina.
Color of socks?: Multi-colored.
Non-alcoholic drink?: Dr. Pepper.

RANDOM:
1 day ago: Confusion.
1 week ago: Regret.
1 YEAR AGO: Anticipation.

I AM:
Wearing: White shirt, pink skirt.
current Hair: Down.
Current Smell: Nighttime air.
Current Favorite Show(s): South Park's on...
current Refreshment: Cookies and water?
Current time: 9:43

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[22 Jan 2007|04:47pm]
[ mood | aggravated ]

I have a new journal. It isn't going to be as pathetic as this one, I promise. I need to get my life back together. Right now I don't know what to do, or what is going on. It's like I'm on a train that's ready to go right off the edge. I'll admit-I'm scared. But there isn't anything left to do but wait, and hope that something better is right around the corner.

I'm deleting all my old entries. I thought that having this journal would help me get things off my chest and make me feel better about life, but it has done nothing but destroy it. I've lost many good friends over something as stupid as this, but somehow, I'm glad. A good friend would understand that I need to say things somehow, and not be so easily upset over it. But I suppose it was fate, and there wasn't anything to do about it.

So to my annonymous readers-I hope you enjoyed killing me. Because of you, you have made so many people turn against me. Why am I blaming you? Because. I kept a very low profile on here. It's because of all of you searching for my secret LJ that no one can trust me. But guess what? I have reasons for everything I do. It's just that no one cares. The only reason why I made it public to begin with is because I was pretty pissed off. There are a lot more entries on here, ones that reveal more than any of the public ones ever will. But I was decent enough to not go crazy on those. So be happy.

♥Ashley

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[04 Mar 2006|09:04pm]
My name is Sarah

I am but three,
My eyes are swollen
I cannot see,

I must be stupid
I must be bad,
What else could have made
My daddy so mad?

I wish I were better
I wish I weren't ugly,
Then maybe my mummy
Would still want to hug me.

I can't speak at all
I can't do a wrong
Or else I'm locked up
All the day long.

When I awake
I'm all alone
The house is dark
My folks aren't home

When my mommy does come
I'll try and be nice,
So maybe I'll get just
One whipping tonight.

Don't make a sound!
I just heard a car
My daddy is back
From Charlie's Bar.

I hear him curse
My name he calls
I press myself
Against the wall

I try and hide
From his evil eyes
I'm so afraid now
I'm starting to cry

He finds me weeping
He shouts ugly words,
He says its my fault
That he suffers at work.

He slaps me and hits me
And yells at me more,
I finally get free
And I run for the door.

He's already locked it
And I start to bawl,
He takes me and throws me
Against the hard wall.

I fall to the floor
With my bones nearly broken,
And my daddy continues
With more bad words spoken.

"I'm sorry!", I scream
But its now much too late
His face has been twisted
Into unimaginable hate

The hurt and the pain
Again and again
Oh please God, have mercy!
Oh please let it end!

And he finally stops
And heads for the door,
While I lay there motionless
Sprawled on the floor

My name is Sarah
And I am but three,
Tonight my daddy
Murdered me.


A boy and a girl,
the best of friends.
From elementary to high school
from beginning to end.
Through all those years
their friendship grew.
They both felt the same,
but neither knew.
Each waking moment
since the day they met.
They both loved each other
sunrise to sunset.
He was all she had
in her terrible life.
He was the one
who kept her from her knife.
She was his angel,
she made him smile.
Though life threw him curves,
she made it all worth while.
Then one day
things went terribly wrong.
The next few weeks
were like a very sad song.
He made her jealous
on purpose he tried.
When the girl asked, "Do you love her?"
on purpose he lied.
He played with jealousy
like it was a game.
Little did he know
Things would never be the same.
His plan was working
but he had no clue.
How wrong things would go,
the damage he would do.
One night she broke down,
feeling very alone.
Just her and the blade,
no one else home.
She dialed his number,
he answered, "Hello"
She told him she loved him
and hung up the phone.
He raced to her house
just a minute too late.
Found her lying in blood,
her heart had no rate.
Beside her was a note,
in it her confession.
Her love for this boy,
her only obsession.
As he read the note,
he knelt down and cried.
Grabbed her knife,
that night they both died.
She was found in his arms,
both of them dead.
Under her note
his handwriting said:
"I loved her so,
she never knew.
All this time
I loved her too."
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Wecome To My Life [28 Feb 2006|03:56pm]
Why did I get a Livejournal? Because I'm really bored. Well, actually it's because I keep every little thought in my head inside of me, and I don't know any way to get it out. So, I came up with this, getting a Livejournal. I already had one, but I don't use it, and I don't want to put such personal things in my Myspace, so I stick with this.
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